In the news this week, the UK Government are reported to be considering a tougher series of tests for would-be immigrants entering the country. Currently the longer you live here the better your chances, but it seems some folks might be told to pay into a 'transitional impact fund' which would be used to boost local services. I only hope that once they get in they get to complain about said local services, if they turn out to be crappy. If they can prove they are 'active' citizens (for example, if they do charity work), then they even get fast-tracked to Blighty. None of this applies to EU immigrants, strangely, who can just wave fistfuls of Euros at Heathrow and wander on in.
Anyway, a few months ago something similar was presented in Australia, and I had a go at taking the test to see if I'd qualify. I passed by a single point, which shows how the memories of down under have faded over the years. But what about a British test? What skills should potential immigrants bring into the mix? Rather than a question and answer session about who won what battle or how long Corrie has been on telly, maybe it should be a series of ways to act truly British. That way, newcomers could fit in right away, and not feel left out. Sure, drinking tea and being terrible at sport are easy ones, so you might only get a point or two for those - but for immigrants to really prosper here, they could do no worse than demonstrate some (or all) of the following...
Being overly protective of personal space
Personal space is the most precious of British commodities - or at least you'd think it was, given how we react when someone stands a bit too close in a lift. The test for this would be at a dentist's waiting room - watching the would-be immigrants as they carefully pick the seat the farthest away from everyone else, confiding in that peculiarly British invisible buffer.
Worrying about whether they can shout at someone else's kids
But they just dropped a crisp packet on the street! The bin's only over there, it's not like they couldn't have walked five yards. Is their Mum inside the Newsagents? Will they come out just in time to see me haranguing their children? Now they dropped some gum as well, it gets everywhere, especially if you tread it in. I should probably say somet...no, I might get happy-slapped.
Parking as exactly as possible
Not only do we have imaginary set-squares built in, so every kerb is always parallel, we love a chance to criticise others. The prospective immigrants would be judged on how they comment on a random street of parked cars. Too close to the kerb? Back wheels over a yellow line - ooohh, that'll be sixty quid, them parking fellas are right strict about it. Trust me, that car'll be gone in a few hours, off to the pound. And did I tell you about the time I was in France? (bonus points)
Eating food at inappropriate times
In Italy, gelato is eaten on whistful summer evenings. In the USA, big fat ice creams are eaten at the State Fair. In the UK, we eat Cornettos in November on gale-blasted beaches. And then straight afterwards, a bag of chips and vinegar. Mmmm.
Judging people by what papers they read
I told you he was a Telegraph reader, didn't I? Well, let me tell you this - next door - yep, them with the ostentatious conifer tubs - they take the Mail...and the Mail on Sunday. They don't get it just for the free DVD each week, I can tell you. And them at number 30? Guardian. I know. I know. Saw them leaving this morning, off to a farmers market no doubt. And at number 34 - well, the Colonel takes the Times - he's not a real Colonel, by the way - and his wife gets the Express. Yes, I know. And they have 'visitors' every Saturday night, curtains get drawn straight away. Our Dennis is in the Neighbourhood Watch, and he reckons...
Being suspicious of people who try to sell you things
This is the ultimate - every Brit is always on their guard for unwanted financial attention. Be it a crafty timeshare salesman in Magaluf, or the car credit ads on the telly - only a bona fide British person wouldn't fail to be deeply mistrustful of anyone who's job it is to sell you something complicated. The worst thing any of these employees can do is utter something along the lines of "Well, in the long run, it can save you money". This is the key part of the immigration test - any applicant who immediately turns down whatever they are offering on the basis that it's probably to good to be true, is welcome in our country.
British citizenship tests planned [BBC]
