Time for another longwinded bout of pontification about something inane - or as I call it, a DUaB Guide. After coming together as a continent to thoroughly smash the Americans in the Ryder Cup - what better time for the DUaB Guide to golfing!
- If you're standing near someone playing a shot, and you hear the sudden clunk of ball against tree, don't turn towards it unless you've got very good reactions.
- Make as many lewd comments regarding golf as possible - nobody ever gets bored of hearing them. Refer to 'cleaning balls', 'sinking a long one', 'slicing one into the pond'.
- When playing in snake/spider/crocodile/dingo/shark/koala infested countryside, don't look for your ball for too long if it sails into the thick rough - especially if you are a) wearing shorts, and b) a hapless English tourist.
- If your playing partner puts his ball on the tee and it falls off, say "That counts as one" while reaching for the scorecard. This also never gets boring.
- The signs always say 'Please replace your divots', but never specify with what. Custard, glue, urine - it's your chance to be creative.
- Golfing is an excuse to get away with wearing outfits that normally would cause people to throw things at you in the street. Like this plus fours/cowboy hat combo sported by former US President Warren G Harding. Golf Digest magazine has a dedicated 'Mr Style' on hand to answer pressing questions about golfwear - his advice? "Don't over-think it. If you're standing in front of the mirror for more than 10 seconds, you need to go [and] change." However, for us more sartorial hackers, there's 18Golf, golf gear for the 'Golf Punk Generation'.
- If driving a golf buggy, don't get in and press the pedal flat before you turn the steering wheel - as your playing partner might have left the wheel turned hard left, causing you to suddenly shoot off to one side and almost roll over. Eh, Paul?
