Seeing as I'm careering wildly towards the start of my third decade, I think it's only right I should use this mouthpiece to offload some of my long-found wisdom. After all, blogs are a great forum for espousing opinions - but I guess you can also use them for important stuff people might want to read, rather than my favourite type of pie (and anyway, we all know what that is). So with that in mind, get ready for the first in a series (possibly) of Down Under and Beyond Guides - this one aimed at my globtrotting regulars - how to hostel
- The key thing to remember is the 'Ladder of longevity' - in a shared dorm, the guys who've been there for the longest are the top dogs. When you arrive, there will be only one bunk left - up in the corner by the draughty window/undimmable safety light/curious mould. That will be yours. As soon as someone leaves, the others immediately steal their superior matresses/pillows, meaning the new person always has the worst combination. This is standard, and can only be solved by nicking a better spot for yourself when it becomes available. Or fighting.
- Always get up early to avoid the queue for the showers, or shower at unpopular times like 2am. You won't have to wait, but the water will be cold and you need to be quick with the towel as you'll be a bullseye for insects. At least this means you won't have to run the wrath of sleep deprived Dutch girls waiting in line the next morning. Or you could not shower at all, in which case you'll probably get a better bunk faster too, as your dorm mysteriously empties. Also, if you are the first person in the shower in the morning and the floor is surprisingly sticky - best not to think about it too much.
- The best bed to pick is the bottom bunk furthest away from the door. Only children prefer top bunks, as all that clambering about on a kitchen table-sized wobbly mattress can only end in tears. On the bottom you can store your stuff without anything falling off, and when the grouchy cleaner comes in you can quickly push your pile across the floor under someone else's bunk, and shake your head in sympathy at your mucky cohabitant. Oh, and never loudly announce "Right! Let's get pissed!" before jumping from the top bunk, as it can lead to a broken ankle, a hospital visit, and a sheepish expression.
- Never leave anything important lying around in a dorm, it just isn't worth it. Of course, if you're backpacking you won't have anything of value anyway that you can't keep on you at all times. If I was near my old hostel in Kings Cross and needed the toilet, I used to wander in and use theirs - even when I was living on the other side of Sydney. Nobody ever questioned me.
- If you come back from a trip out and find a new person's belongings on a bed, have a quick look to find out who you'll be rooming with from now on. Nametags, types of clothes, brands of guidebook - all give useful clues as to their nationality/gender. If you find a Harry Potter novel, or the Da Vinci Code, throw it out of the window. You can always blame that Canadian bloke in the corner.
- Try not to get back from a night out and remove your contact lenses minutes before a group of drunken Swedish girls return from a foam party and decide to have a shower. I can't stress this highly enough.
- Be prepared to encounter 'backpacker bores' - travellers that constantly try to one-up you with fulfilling anecdotes about their pointless adventures. Have a few outlandish lies ready, to throw at them when they start droning on about helping deliver a baby yak halfway up the Anapurna Trail, or something. "Yeah yeah, that's fascinating. I had to spend a couple of weeks in the mountains too recently. Just outside Rome - the Titularses - do you know them? No? Lovely spot, the dew forms so fast you can almost drink it off the vines. Views for miles along the valleys. Course I was only hiding there 'cos of what I did to the Pope."
- If you come in late at night, the unforgivable sin of dorm living is to turn on the light. Your fellow dormers will much appreciate your courtesy, and prefer drunken stumbling, crashing noises, and swearing to dazzling light, drunken stumbling, crashing noises, and swearing.
- If someone wearing sandals reaches for a guitar, leave the room.
- If in a dorm in a remote and dusty part of Australia, don't investigate that odd-looking hairy black insect-thing hanging in the corner. It can probably kill you. Don't try and scare it off by holding a cigarette lighter in front of a can of deodorant and pressing the nozzle. That will certainly kill you.
- If struggling to find a place in a dorm in Vienna, don't answer "Oh, cool" when told the only available place is an all-female hostel. It won't lead to an invitation.
- Be prepared to answer the same questions on countless occasions - your name, where you're from, what your route was through SE Asia, etc etc. Always mix it up a little each time to keep people on their toes - "Hey! Are you Marcel? The German guys in Room 3 said you found a great circuit to Angkor Wat. I'm going there in July - any tips?" "Marcel? Sorry, my name's Hector. I've never been to Angkor Wat. Oh, if anyone from the Royal Navy comes asking about me, tell them I went to New Zealand"
