A while ago I introduced you to the delights of the ICD-10 'Causes of External Injury' code list from the World Health Organisation. The book is used regularly in my office when trying to find the exact medical diagnosis for various types of cancers and so forth. Also on our dusty bookshelf lurks the similar SNOMED codebook, which stands for the ‘Systemized Nomenclature of Human and Veterinary Medicine’ – or at least it does if you ignore a few words here and there.
I was idly flicking through this weighty burgundy and pink tome (published by the College of American Pathologists and the American Veterinary Medical Association), when I came across the section devoted to diseases and illnesses of animals. There are the usual suspects, such as BSE (code DE-3B130V), 'beef measles' (DE-65202V), and the unpleasant sounding 'contagious pustular acne' (DE-12610V). So with apologies to animal lovers everywhere, it’s time for another list...
- sudden death syndrome of feeder cattle (DF-D0021V)
- blackhead disease in turkeys (DE-50922V)
- mild disease of sheep (DE-22740V)
- contagious agalactica of goat (DE-15846V)
- greasy pig disease (DE-12240V)
Of course, plenty of these ghastly horrors affect the commoner species of domestic animals – although 'Mild disease' doesn’t sound too serious. I doubt any country-wide mass livestock burnings result from that. 'Contagious agalactica' sounds like goats are spontaneously assembling space rockets and blasting for the heavens. And can you imagine trying to catch a sow to treat it for 'greasy pig disease'?
- chronic wasting disease of captive mule, deer and elk (DE-3B130V)
- epidemic diarrhoeal disease of infant mouse (DE-35724V)
- San Miguel sea lion virus disease (DE-35430V)
- poison pod poisoning (DD-971A0V)
- wart hog disease (DE-32730V)
- turbot herpes (DE-32222V)
- sparrowpox (DE-31716V)
- wet crab yaws (DE-15522)
OK – deer and elk, fair enough – but mules as well? Why not moose? Or donkeys? Or does CWDoCMDaE (as I believe it's commonly abbreviated) only strike if mule, deer and elk are enclosed together? It would explain why you never see them in one field. I can't even begin to speculate as to what the San Miguel disease is – the only sea lion-specific ailment in the SNOMED book. And turbot herpes – I promise you, these aren't made up.
- Frounce (DE-53150V)
- Zwoegersiekte (DE-36220V)
- Pizzle rot (DE-12634V)
- Farcy pipes (DE-11B10)
- Fistulous withers (DE-11026V)
Being a medical-type book, there are plenty of archaic-sounding nasties inside. Personally, I think Fistulous Withers sounds like a Bond villain rather than an illness, but there you go. I definitely wouldn't want to catch Pizzle rot – just thinking about it makes me want to cross my legs. And didn't Arthur Askey used to play the Farcy pipes?
- pale bird syndrome (DE-35512V)
- Congo floor maggot disease (DE-71401)
- giant intestinal fluke infection (DE-60450)
- Swamp Cancer (DE-5A020V)
- snuffles in rabbits (DE-13160V)
- old dog disease (DE-33970V)
“I’m sorry farmer Giles, but your chickens have been struck down with Pale Bird syndrome,”
“Ah. I thought they were just white.”
“No, sorry. And see these maggots in your pigs? Congo floor maggot disease. There’s no cure, I’m afraid.”
“Bugger. That’ll teach me to import African pig carpet for them to lie on.”
“Hmmm. Also in the lower field I found hundreds of giant intestinal flukes – I think your cows may have succumbed.”
“No, no, I’m breeding them. We turn them into sausages. They are quite robust.”
“I’ll say, I had to fight them off with a stick. While I’m here – your swamp-fed sheep will need radiotherapy, your rabbits have called in sick, and your sheepdog has started reminiscing about the war.”
“Oh bother. Still, at least I’ll get extra subsidies, eh?”
“I’m afraid not. We’re incinerating your farm. From orbit.”
