Ah, Eurovision. There really is nothing quite like it. The annual festival of kitsch and mullets took place on Saturday night at the Hartwall Arena in Helsinki, Finland. Last year the mighty Lordi dominated the competition with their rubber monster costumes and "On the day of Rockening!" puns. After rolling out a lengthy megapost about their win, I was counting the days until it came round again. Television at it's finest, it's watched by hundreds of millions worldwide, and over 10m in the UK, where commentary at it's pithiest is provided by the legendary Sir Terry Wogan.
For my non-EU friends, it's a song contest involving 24 countries, made up of the 'big four' (France, Germany, the UK, Spain) plus the top ten finishers from the 2006 final, and 10 qualifiers from Thursday's semi final. Yes, some of the worst do get weeded out. The big four are so-called because they give the most money to the European Broadcasting Union, (which was founded in 1950 in a Torquay hotel) so secure automatic qualification. But that is no guarantee of quality - as we shall see. My co-viewees this year consisted of my American flatmate Michelle (back for her second year), and friends Paul, Craig and Ali. My other flatmate Paul, who sat through the entire 2006 contest, had wisely managed to find something else to do. I warn you now, this is a long post...
1. Bosnia & Herzegovina - Marija Šestić with "Rijeka Bez Imena"
Sample lyric - "No-one can touch your soul like I can, eternally"
Heeeere we go, with what Terry calls a "comely Bosnian" called Marija. Her song means 'River without a name', and the frightened-looking backing dancers sway around in floaty dresses. Already we have two Eurovision staples - dry ice and ethnic instruments.
Eurovision.tv fact - "The sixth person on stage was a male player of a guitar-like instrument, who turned out to be the person that Maria is longing for."
2. Spain - D'Nash with "I love you Mi Vida"
Sample lyric - "Come like the scorpio you are, and lash your deadly tail on me"
Spain's first boyband pile out next, all dreadfully spunky and clad in white denim. With a huge amount of eye makeup and haircuts that wouldn't look out of place in a Sunday league pub team, they are agonisingly out of tune. Finishing on their knees, D'Nash set the bar very low for the 'big four'.
Eurovision.tv fact - "The members of D'Nash are Mikel, Basty, Javi and Ony. Basty has travelled accross Spain performing as soloist with his band. He is a pilot and the sportsman in the group."
3. Belarus - Dmitry Koldun with "Work your magic"
Sample lyric - "You've got the magic power, I keep the key to your tower"
This one starts like a Bond Theme - everyone's in black. Dmitry seems to be singing "Work your magic shoe", which his dancers then demonstrate by balancing precariously on a pair of moving sidescreens. There are lots of fireworks, and they all line up and wave hands around, as is tradition. This will do well, I predict. [it doesn't]
Eurovision.tv fact - "Dmitry's mother, the founder of Princess Diana's Belarusian fan-club, had always dreamed of having a daughter who would look like Diana. Amazingly, her dream partly came true."
4. Ireland - Dervish with "You can't stop the Spring"
Sample lyric - "Europe's all one stage, and the archipelagic icicles have melted like the cage"
It's the Irish entry, so I've already written down 'Fiddles, tin whistles and accordians'. This proves eerily prophetic. "Did Ireland have a public vote?" asks Paul. "And they chose this?". Most of their lyrics are about blackbirds, obviously a blatant pitch for the RSPB vote.
Eurovison.tv fact - "Dervish possess one of the tightest and most inventive rhythm sections on the circuit today."
5. Finland - Hannah Pakarinen with "Leave me alone"
Sample lyric - "The day will still come when I see you crying - 'cause you will get yours, just leave me alone"
More black outfits, this one's a power 80's rock ballad. This causes some excitement amongst certain friends of mine, who shall remain nameless. "She's a very angry young lady" says Terry. Quite so, it's no Lordi, that's for sure.
Eurovision.tv fact - "Growing up in Eastern Finland near the Russian border, Hanna started her career by singing in local rock groups by night and driving a forklift truck at a paper mill by day."
6. FYRM - Karolina with "Mojot Svet"
Sample lyric - "Tonight again I am talking to shadows, I have to run away from myself"
Karolina also causes some excitement, as once again FYR Macedonia produce a leggy young lovely. Karolina looks like that one out of Girl's Aloud who married the footballer. There is lots of stroking with the dancers, and we all pay careful attention. There's a wind machine, too, which is always good to see.
Eurovision.tv fact - "Due to her great popularity, Karolina was used in the haircare products manufacturer Head & Shoulders' advertisements, for the ex-Yugoslavian area."
7. Slovenia - Alenka Gotar with "Cvet z juga"
Sample lyric - "Le privid si mi iz daljnih dni"
Black once again, it seems to be the ensemble outfit colour of choice. There's an Opera theme thing going on, and a spooky trick with a glowing hand, which turns out to be a small lightbulb as Alenka reveals her secret. She'll be out of the Slovenian Magician's Guild for that, without doubt. "She must have a car battery in her back pocket!" says Craig.
Eurovision.tv fact - "In 2003, Alenka won the special award from the Klagenfurt Theatre for the best world stage person."
8. Hungary - Magdi Rúzsa with "Unsubstantial Blues"
Sample lyric - "So now that it's over - I'll try and take it sober"
I can safely say that I've never seen a bus stop used in Eurovision before, as Magdi sits on a suitcase pretending to thumb a lift down an imaginary road. There are no key changes in this one, it's actually quite good. This of course means it won't win, but then it wouldn't be Eurovision if the good songs came out on top.
Eurovision.tv fact - "We all wish Magdi good luck and hope that after conquering the Hungarian music lovers, she can show her extreme talent to a European audience."
9. Lithuania - 4FUN with "Love or Leave"
Sample lyric - "Weak and unwise, I betray all fears that I should disguise"
The most poetic lyrics of the night, as the Dana-a-like singer croons away on a bar stool. Behind her a large screen hides the musicians in silhouette. Resisting the temptation to make v-signs and animal shapes, they play some decidedly good music. What is Eurovision coming to? Time for more alcohol, if this is what we're in for.
Eurovision.tv fact - "Lead singer Julija is included in the 2002 catalogue "Who is who in Lithuania" (Lithuanian edition)." [by the way, all these facts really are on the Eurovision website]
10. Greece - Sarbel with "Yassou Maria"
Sample lyric - "Shake it up, shake it up, there you go - oh ohh"
Oh-ohh! Here we go. You can always rely on the Greeks. Sarbel might sound like a grimy fish that odd-looking men try to catch in flooded gravelpits, but he looks (and sounds) like Ricky Martin. Almost. "He's horrible!" says Ali, as he thrusts his way around his dancers. Brilliantly, Sarbel rips off part of their skirts - the holy grail of Eurovision - and they become ribbons he entangles himself in.
Eurovision.tv fact - "Sarbel was brought into this world by a Cypriot father and a Lebanese mother on May 14th, 1981 in London."
11. Georgia - Sopho with "Visionary Dream"
Sample lyric - "Clouds containing lakes - I'm near the haze of pouring light"
Cossacks! Things are indeed looking up (or down, depending on how you look at it). Sopho is staggeringly out of tune, and for Georgia's first ever entry, is really quite awful. She shrieks a lot as the dancers whirl about with their swords clanging. It could get 0 points.
Eurovision.tv fact - "Sopho started singing when she was only 3 years old. She began attending the Music School (Piano and Oboe Department) in Batumi."
12. Sweden - The Ark with "The worrying kind"
Sample lyric - "I'm just a silly old boy with my head in the can, I'm just a mortal with potential of a superman"
The Campometer rockets into orbit as the Swedes amaze with a glam rock T-Rex affair. Their frontman pouts and croons away, as the guitarists do choreographed motions Status Quo would be proud of. He then rips off his silver jacket and lies, naked apart from trousers and a pair of sequined gloves, on a spinning black and white turntable. It's Ali's favourite, and is fantastic.
Eurovision.tv fact - "Everybody in The Ark is really nice, they all like beer, a few are a vegetarians, and one of them secretly likes fermented herring."
13. France - Les Fatals Picards with "L'Amour a la Française"
Sample lyric - "I remember us la Tour Eiffel, so beautiful with your sac Chanel"
Traditionally France don't try in Eurovision, they send a failed hotel bar singer and finish in the bottom five - but not this time. 'The love of a Frenchwoman' is sung by a band even camper than the Swedes, which is almost hard to believe. The pink-clad singer gambols around the stage, as the drummer pounds away, dressed as an angel. "Is he singing 'the sun is hotter than birds?' This doesn't make sense" someone says. [France finish in the bottom five anyway]
Eurovision.tv fact - "The band formed in 2000 by Ivan. He added a few buddies in order to legally keep the notion of a band, and thus benefit from several fiscal advantages, like for example car sharing."
14. Latvia - Bonaparti.LV with "Questa Notte"
Sample lyric - "The perfume of your skin invites me, to discovery what I don't know"
Now there's a chat-up line to remember. In 2006, the Latvian entry assembled a robot onstage. In 2007, they are represented by six Opera singers dressed as Dickens' characters. They have top hats and are holding roses. "They are really good!" "What?" "No - not them. Jelly Babies."
Eurovision.tv fact - "Andris Erglis is the baby of the group. But he has an enigmatic appearance."
15. Russia - Serebro with "Song #1"
Sample lyric - "I've got my bad ass spinning for you"
Another band that sounds like an anagram. But what a band. Three marginal teenage girls in black schoolgirl outfits rocking out about girl power. This will do very well. "You know," says Terry, "there used to be a time when Russian girls had moustaches".
Eurovision.tv fact - "What are my pleasures in life? Stage, sex and cars. Also I like to be a leader and I make a cult of food. [Elena Timnikova, singer]"
16. Germany - Roger Cicero with "Frauen Regier'n Die Welt"
Sample lyric - "When I found out she wanted to save the environment, I sewed "No thanks" on my parka"
The third of the 'big-four' is a German swing band in multicoloured suits. They all have fedora hats on, and switch to English halfway through. The title means 'Women rule the world', yet the song mentions David Beckham.
Eurovision.tv fact - "The song is a deep-seated recognition of women, that only an out-and-out macho does not want to accept. And Roger Cicero is definitively not a macho." [again, these are not made up]
17. Serbia - Marija Šerifović with "Molitva"
Sample lyric - "Days are like wounds, countless and hard to get through"
"Things are looking up!" says either Craig or Paul, as a bookish bespectacled Serbian is surrounded by a bevy of hairspray addicted backing singers. Another Eastern European power ballad, there's a bit of groping, but not as much as Sarbel the Greek. It's not bad, either.
Eurovision.tv fact - "Marija knew that music would be her only occupation. She finished high school and music schools and then studied management."
18. Ukraine - Verka Serduchka with "Dancing Lasha Tumbai"
Sample lyric - "Ukraine - that's cool?! Cool! Ukraine - that's reat?! Reat! The square is dancing!"
Bloody hell. I could fill an entire post about the Ukrainians. The 'orange revolution' seems to have become the 'bacofoil revolution'. The Campometer is off the scale here. Verka looks like Timmy Mallett crossed with Pat Butcher from Eastenders, spraypainted silver. All of them wear mirrored costumes based on German WWII uniforms. Most of their lyrics are numbers, shouted in German. Verka has a giant star on his head. I get a text from my mate Chris saying simply 'Oh that wins'. I secretly use his number to vote for them.
Eurovision.tv fact - "At the beginning of his career Verka performed just the items of the verbal idiomatic genre." [Verka's repertoire has since expanded]
19. United Kingdom - Scooch with "Flying the Flag (for you)"
Sample lyric - "Would you like something to suck on for landing sir?"
Well, we've got the best lyric in the competition, if nothing else. It turns out nothing else is more or less what we get. Our entry is a highly OTT song about being an air steward. "This is horrendous" someone says, as we watch between our fingers. This is the difference between the UK and Europe when it comes to Eurovision. We deliberately send the cheesiest option whilst they take it seriously. But my theory falls down when I remember the Ukrainians.
Eurovision.tv fact - "Last year's winners were a heavy rock band, we want to bring it back to Euro pop where it belongs"
20. Romania - Todomondo with "Liubi, Liubi, I Love You"
Sample lyric - "Everywhere around the world, "io ti amo" è sempre uguale (Hey!)"
Each singer is dressed as a different country. There's one in a beret, one dressed as a Russian sailor. With aching predictability the 'British man' sports a bowler hat. But what are they on about? And why is the Romanian dressed as a jester?
Eurovision.tv fact - "A football fan, Andrei the Romanian hates violence against animals, and wickedness in general." [bless]
21. Bulgaria - Elitsa Todorova and Stoyan Yankoulov with "Water"
Sample lyric - "See this young lass there, eeeeee!"
Only four to go. Although the lyric sounds like it's from Last of the Summer Wine, the Bulgarians are a pair of techno drummers. A wide array of things to wallop are within reach, and Eiltsa and Stoyan do some serious walloping. We're all thrilled to see Stoyan has a corking mullet - the first of the night. At song number 21, that's something of a pity. "This is bonkers!" says Craig.
Eurovision.tv fact - "Stoyan got his high-school education specializing in percussions and his university degree also in percussions, Jazz and Rock Department."
22. Turkey - Kenan Doğulu with "Shake It Up Şekerim"
Sample lyric - "She smiled at me, said: Would you like it sweet and low?"
Good old fashioned Euro-smut. Kenan piles along at a crazy tempo, looking rather smug. But then he is dressed like a circus ringmaster, and surrounded by belly dancers. None of us really know what to think anymore. It's terrible - but is it the right kind of terrible?
Eurovision.tv fact - "Although a famous, popular and appreciated artist in Turkey, Kenan thinks what he has achieved in his musical career is still not sufficient."
23. Armenia - Hayco with "Anytime You Need"
Sample lyric - "I only wanna guard, every beat of your gentle heart"
We had a bus stop before, now a tree appears at Eurovision. What's more, it's covered in streamers of toilet paper. Hayco from Armenia wears a medallion [check!], stares at the camera [check!], misses his high notes [check!], is supported by bongo drums [check!], and seemingly ends up covered in blood [double check!]. Alison sums it up - "Nobody wants a ballad from a wee man."
Eurovision.tv fact - "In 2003 Hayco won at the Armenian National Music Awards for 'The best DVD'."
24. Moldova - Natalia Barbu with "Fight"
Sample lyric - "The onfall's adapting the hearts, itch people will gnaw our wishes, no more"
It was a fight, but we made it. Rounding out the show is yet another black-clad power ballad from the former Eastern bloc. Natalia is wearing the lowest-cut pair of leather trousers any of us has ever seen. Terry is lost for words. Or maybe it's the Bailey's he's been knocking back (allegedly). We have no idea what the song's about.
Eurovision.tv fact - "When Natalia was young, her greatest pleasure was to "make herself beautiful" and to wander from place to place, even to the forest."
So, the music finishes. But the fun is far from over, as the next hour and a half sees the votes rumble in from all over the continent (and beyond, if you look at certain European maps). The hosts - Jaana Pelkonen and Mikko Leppilampi start it off. "Nobody could be famous in the UK with a name like Leppy-lampy" says Sir Michael Terrance Wogan KBE, at his brilliant/drunken best. The interval act - allowing the EBU to count the millions of text votes - features Santa Claus (the most famous Finn?), trapeze artists, soft chello rock, and a man in a bubble. After which, it's time to reveal the winner.
Again, if you're unfamiliar with the procedure, the public from every country that entered can vote (even if their entrant failed to make the final). Their votes are broken down in order, and the most popular song gets 12 points, the next popular 10, then 8, 7, 6, and down to 1pt. You can't vote for your own country, but voting for your neighbours is always a popular option, and one of the most contentious/fantastic parts of Eurovision. It's something that Terry constantly rails about, but the public vote was seen by the EBU as a key change to the old format of stuffy 'critics' from each area handing out points like judges at figure skating. Anyway, how bad can it be?
The very first vote announced is from Montenegro - who's public award 12 to neighbouring Serbia. The crowd are booing already, 45 seconds into the 90 minute voting. "Ahh, the old Balkan foxtrot" says our Tel. He may have a point - the semi final was also decided on a public vote, and all ten of the qualifiers to the final were from the east of the continent. But then maybe they had the best songs. The Belarussian public give 10 to Ukraine and 12 to Russia. "I wouldn't bet on any Western European country getting many points" says Terry. "But if I was worried about being attacked by Russia, I'd give them 12", says Ali.
However, it's not all bad. Amongst the Danish giving the Swedes 12, the Spanish voters decide to give top marks to Romania. It was one of the worst songs, but they did sing a bit of it in Spanish, so why not? Each country's votes are announced to the Finnish hosts by a specially chosen person - the Danish judge flirts outrageously with Messer Leppilampi, who bears a striking resemblance to Barbie's friend Ken. The Greek judge speaks some token Finnish and the crowd go crazy. The Slovenian judge sports a spangly jumper. Ali suggests going on holiday to the winning country.
Bosnia give 12 to Serbia. Booing. Cyprus give 12 to Greece. Booing. The Croatian public vote causes booing even before their spokesperson announces who got the top points, as everyone guesses it's going to a neighbour. It goes to Serbia - who are now well clear of the rest. The UK are last with no points, the Irish only just ahead. "I think we should have a referendum on a Scottish entry!" someone says. The Norwegian judge gets excited - "Finland!!! You Rocked The World And Set Europe Alight!!! [cheering] "Our 12pts goes to...Sweden!!!" [booing]. The Swiss spokesman appears in a deep caramel tan and silver suit. "Swiss men don't look like that!"
Finally, the Irish public give the UK our first points - 7 - moving us up to second last, ahead of...Ireland. Then next up Malta do what they always do and give us 12, launching Scooch to the dizzying heights of 22nd. To be fair, Terry makes a mockery of this as well (until 1964 Malta was a British colony). The Swedish judge makes an indecipherable joke about ice hockey, and then gives Finland top marks. Russia give 10 to Ukraine and 12 to Belarus - "Hands across the Volga!" says Terry. "The Russian jury give 8pts to Russia, 10pts to Russia, and 12pts to Russia," says Craig. The Icelandic spokeswoman looks how most men imagine an Icelandic spokeswoman would look.
The Moldovan judge appars in front of a photograph of what seems to be the New York skyline - "That isn't Chisinau!" says Terry, experienced European traveller that he is. It's the Serbian A-Z he's dusting off, as they are still a country mile ahead of several other assorted East European entrants. The Macedonian spokeswoman is none-other than Elena Risteska, who represented them in the 2006 contest. I'm ashamed to say I know that, even if it's the hotpants I remember. She sings a bit of her entry, but it falls on deaf ears and she meekly reads out the numbers. They give 12 to Sebia too. The UK's scores are presented by Ferne Cotton sitting in front of Sir Norman Fosters Gherkin (as it were).
It's all over. Serbia have won, the UK has come joint second last - the other 'big four' have been forgotten also (Germany 19th, Spain 20th, France 22nd). Ireland get the lowest score, with five points. It was another miracle of television, politics and intrigue. In May 2008, the circus moves to Belgrade - but until then, as ever, the final words lie with Sir Terry Wogan..."It's been a wonderful evening. Not musically, of course. Goodnight.."
Final top three scores - Serbia 268pts, Ukraine 235, Russia 207.
Serbian Ballad wins at Eurovision [bbc]
The Official Eurovision site
Marija Šerifović website
